A Lesson in Coaching Skills
Develop Your Active Listening Skill
Most of us have never learnt to develop our active listening skill. We have hundreds of conversations every day and we rarely actively listen. We listen on auto-pilot. Have you ever watched the Simpson's episode where they show the world through the eyes of the dog? All it hears is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. We're not much different. That's why in coaching, we distinguish between "normal" listening and "active" listening.
Active Listening Skill 101
Active listening is the skill of placing concerted effort on understanding the words of the other person. It's about hearing the words and more importantly, hearing the message.Wow, how cool is that?! To practice your active listening skill is to give a small gift to the other person. You let them speak their mind and hear what they have to say. That doesn't happen too often. And the beauty of it, is that by actively listening to others, you will get great results out of it. That seems to be the way the world works. You give a little and get a bunch in return. That's wisdom at work.
The Benefits of Developing Active Listening Skill
If you can learn to actively listen, even for a couple of your daily conversations, you can help build your business. - Find out what your clients really want so you can serve them better.
- Build stronger relationships with employees and partners.
- Get better at negotiating deals.
- Turn potential clients into paying clients.
- And more....
It's so simple. The challenging part is that it's not our usual way of listening.
Normal Listening - Boooorrrrring
Normal listening is what we do all the time. In coaching, we call this level 1 listening (yes, very sophisticated terminology). The essence of it is that you are over there and I'm over here listening. I hear the words (some of the time), observe your body movements, and my mind wonders.You see, the trouble is - humans speak about 150 words per minute,
- we can comprehend over 500 words per minute (spoken intelligently), and
- our minds think thoughts at a whopping 3600 thoughts per minute.
What does all this mean? When we listen, we get bored. If we aren't thinking about next week's golf game, we're thinking about what we're going to say next. So along comes Active Listening Skill.
Active Listening Skill Dissected
Here are some steps to improve your active listening skill. - Get in a listening position - Start by getting into a normal listening position. If you are at your computer, this might mean turning your body ever so slightly to engage the other person. Put down what's in your hand. Stop what you're doing, etc.... The point is that you show the other person that you are listening to them. Let them know, through your body position, that they have your attention.
Side Note - If you can't take the time to actively listen to another person because you have deadlines or other commitments, don't be afraid to set up a better time to talk. Say something like, "I'd love to chat right now and I've got other things that are occupying my time and I'd love to give you my undivided attention. Can we talk later?" - Make eye contact - We communicate so much with our eyes. Make sure to engage the other person and watch their eyes. This will let them know you are listening.
- Give cues that you are listening - Let the person you're talking to know that you are listening. Respond with slight gestures and words. "Yes." "Oh, wow!" "Really?!" And make sure they are appropriate for the conversation. This will make sure you are listening.
- Ask for clarification - Don't be afraid to ask for clarification to make sure you are hearing the other person correctly.
- Empathize - Listen for the emotion. What's exciting for the other person? What's frustrating for the other person?
Another Side Note - A friend of mine, a very successful sales woman, informed me that over 90% of our decision making is done based on emotions. That's amazing! The bottom line is if you can relate to other people's emotions, you can greatly improve your business.
Tips on Empathizing
The most difficult element of mastering your active listening skill is developing empathy.Dictionary.com defines empathy as: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006. In coaching, this means acknowledging the emotions of the other person. Here are my tips for doing this. - Acknowledge the emotion - Identify what the other person is feeling. Use words like "I can tell that you are really excited/angry/dissappointed about that". They'll correct you if you are wrong.
- Avoid colluding - Empathizing doesn't mean agreeing with the other person. For example, if someone is complaining about something, it doesn't help to agree with them. There is a difference between saying "I can see that you are frustrated about XYZ" and "You're right, thing XYZ is really terrible." Colluding simply continues the cycle of complaining.
- Distinguish between emotions and reality - We think our emotions are correct but really, our emotions are like barometers. A barometer can read the pressure in the air but it can't tell you with accuracy if it is going to rain or be sunny. Same thing with emotions.
I hope this page has been useful to you. Enjoy the rest of the content of this website.
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